What's Hidden in our Hearts
by Sunset's Crying
Summary: Love is beautiful. Love is painful. Love is not always orthodox. Does that make it wrong? Series of independent oneshots. Updated sporadically.
1. Gumi: That Odd Thing Called The Future

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape of form.

_"I will always remember the day you saved me."_

~0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o~

I will always remember the day you saved me.

It started when my older brother died in a car accident. His Harley was crushed by a truck that ignored a stop sign. He never made it to the hospital.

Sure, everyone was "sad."

"_He was so young."_

"_It was too soon."_

"_He still had a future ahead of him."_

"_I'm so sorry for your loss."_

But within a couple of weeks, at a time that was "acceptable", everyone revealed their true feelings. Such hideous people.

"_Good riddance."_

"_He was such a bother."_

"_He had no future anyways."_

"_Delinquents like him never go anywhere in life anyways."_

Yeah he smoked and sometimes did weed. He rode around on a Harley and constantly cut class. He was unnaturally handy with a knife and he dyed his hair a really weird green color.

But he was my older brother. He was the person that I could trust most in the world. He was the person that would help me no matter what. My brother, with his strong hands and kind but mischievous eyes, I loved him. So much. Too much.

Without him by my side, I felt unbearably empty. Everything turned to grey and in my heart, there was this giant hole and I didn't know how to fill it back up.

But everyone was so happy for me. My troublesome older brother was no longer in the picture. Now there was no one to stain my family name. My house was no longer home to a "future criminal." Because to them, that's all my brother ever was: a delinquent. But to me, he was such much more. To me, he was life itself.

But what I thought wasn't acceptable. And so, I too was "happy". Because I was a coward. A despicable coward that was too afraid to openly miss her brother.

My guilt started to strangle me. I stopped sleeping. Life, or what was left of it, began to spin too fast. All I could think about was how much I wanted to talk to Gumo, to be with him, for him to hold me tight and never let me go.

But I was "ok". I was always "ok". Because anything less than that was unacceptable.

A few months later, some teacher, a writing teacher, gave me all of his past pieces, the stuff he wrote about in class. Giving me a solemn look, she claimed they'd be better in my hands than in a trashcan.

I couldn't resist. You have to understand. I simply couldn't resist. I had to read them. All I wanted was some piece of him to hold on to.

So in an empty classroom on the fifth floor, I read them all. And goddamn it all, they were all about me. That stupid idiot wrote only about me. No wonder his teacher looked at me so oddly. They were all about me. His adorable little Gumi. How smart, how precious, how adorable. He could have easily passed off as a pervert. He wrote about all of our childhood memories, the secrets we shared, even the first time we –

Such an idiot. To think he would actually write down all of that on paper. Why his teacher kept quiet about it, I'll never know.

But at the time…it was too much. It was my love thrown in my face. They were my sins spilled in ink. How beautiful. How hideous. I cried. I cried and I cried. How pathetic I must have looked, wailing among the papers my dead older brother had written.

And then you walked in. You – who had known ever since you saw us through an open window. You – who's almost kept this secret for as long as I have. You – who's never once confronted me on all of the wrong choices I've made. It was you that walked in on me, sniffling in a mix of papers written by someone that loved me too much.

Oh, that moment could have gone in so many different ways. You could have turned around and walked away. You could have laughed at my patheticness. You could have called out on my sins. You could have condemned me for loving the one person that should have been off limits.

But you didn't.

Instead, you walked over. Standing over me with unreadable eyes, your silence was unbearable. Falling to your knees, you simply looked at me. And just like that, you hugged me. You pulled me in tight and you whispered:

"_It's ok if it's sinful. It's alright to miss him. But I think, more than anything else, he'd be happier if you smiled."_

And like the pathetic person I was, I cried. Held tight in your arms, I cried and I cried. I cried for all of the emotions I had kept locked up inside. I cried for my brother that had died too soon. I cried for our love that should have never been. I cried because you had accepted me.

And for an eternity, you held me in your arms. You rubbed my hair and sang gentle songs. You held me until I couldn't cry anymore. And an eternity later, you wiped up my tears and walked me home.

That evening, locked up in my bathroom, you helped my dye my hair. The same odd color that my brother wore.

Standing in front the mirror, you called me beautiful. And as you held my hand tight, I couldn't help but smile.

Because in the single moment, I had it all. You. My brother. And that odd thing called the future.

* * *

><p><strong>I don't even know where this story came from. I was writing for <em>Tainted <em>and then *this*. I think it's time to call it a night. **

**Sunset**

**P.S. I imagine the other person being Len. Call it a personal preference. **


	2. Oliver: Cliché

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape of form.

_"It was just a kiss."_

~0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o~

When we were young, you kissed me.

Flipping through the channels, we came across some cheesy romance movie. The clichéd type where the right person for blah blah blah was right by his/her side all along. The type where everyone lives happily ever after even though such fairytale fantasies are impossible.

Well anyways, there on the screen, bathed by the sunset, the main characters made out with that sort of reckless passion that must only exist in movies. Sprawled out lazily on your lap, I remember being instantly grossed out. It looked nasty, unsanitary, unnecessary.

I remember wanting to ask you to change the channel already. But I never did. I can still remember it, the look on your face, a mix of curiosity and critical judgment.

"What do you think it feels like?"

Your question confused me. I didn't get it.

"What do you mean? What does what feel like?"

Settling your gaze me, you simply stated, "To be kissed."

I didn't know what to say. At that point in my life, I never bothered to think about it. It wasn't anything important. I didn't really care. But I guess you did. Because seconds later, you asked, "Do you want to try?"

The question was unexpected. I didn't know what to say. Would the feeling even be the same with two guys instead of a girl?

But I think maybe, if just a little bit, I was curious too. Not to be kissed, but to be kissed by you.

Nodding my head, I struggled to sit up. But I was too nervous, too frazzled. Flailing in a mix of elbows and knees, you had to help me up. Positioned on your lap, placing a single hand on my cheek, you leaned down. Your violet hair tickled me. A moment before, you paused. Eyes on mine, you looked at me, and I nodded without thinking.

And just like that, you kissed me.

It was simple, chaste. Just an innocent press of lips. I don't know how long it lasted. Did you find what you were looking for? But me? My heart was pounding – wildly, erratically, unnecessarily.

Nothing was ever the same.

* * *

><p>We grew up. We moved on. What we did, what <em>that<em> was, we left it to be buried somewhere untouchable.

You became taller, a dazzling beauty. Long legs, a toned body, a mysterious smile. You immediately became prince of the school. Girls flocked to your side, unable to resist. A confession every week. A broken heart soon after.

I became a terrible person. Every rejection only made me happier. Me, who never grew an inch past 5'1. Me, with a damaged eye and a scarred body. Me, your eternal best friend.

I never had high expectations. I prided myself on being realistic. I always knew that what I felt towards you was disgusting. One guy loving another? Absolutely revolting. But that was me. And I was determined to never let you know. I wouldn't ask for anything more than your friendship. I swore that if I could just stay by your side, then I'd be happy forever and ever.

(What a lie.)

So every time you denied a girl, I was delirious with happiness. Because every time you denied a girl, that meant that the most important person in your life was me, only me and no one else.

A hideously selfish heart. (As if it'd last forever.)

One day a girl came up to me. An underclassman. She was beautiful. Soft looking lips. A generous chest. Legs almost as long as yours. Flowing pink hair. An absolute beauty. (It wasn't fair.)

Hands clasped together, she handed me an envelope. Voice desperate, she begged me to hand you her confession. (It just wasn't fair.) She told me she loved you since her freshman year. (I loved you much longer than that.) She asked me to please, please, pllllleeeeeeaaaaassssseeeee put in a good word for her. She claimed she was serious about you, that her feelings were genuine. (But so were mine.)

But how could I say no? What reason did I have? And with trembling hands, I accepted her envelope, her love. A betrayal to my heart. Staring at the wretched thing sitting in my palms, I couldn't help but despise _all_ girls. Because they had what I didn't: a chance.

Planning to tuck the envelope in my pocket, to forget, if only for a moment what just happened, you walked up behind me.

Staring at the envelope sitting in my hands, your eyes flashed oddly. But it was over in an instant. A trick of the sunlight. My own foolish imagination gone awry. Smiling widely, hands hidden in your pockets, you wished me the best. You told me to go for it.

It was too much. I couldn't take it. It was simply too much. You who I loved, you who I adored, you who I desired, you who wanted me to love someone else. It was too much.

Like an idiot, I started to cry. Tears shamelessly bubbling over, I handed you the letter that could never in this lifetime be for me. Shoving it in your hands, it hurt how it could never be me you'd love more than anything.

Disgusting. Hideous. Disgraceful. Unattainable.

I ran. Away from you. Away from the girls that had the world in their hands. Away from the love as pathetic as myself.

And you chased after me.

Cliché, I know.

Long legs overtaking my short strides, you quickly caught up. Grabbing my arm, you spun me around. And as I desperately struggled, heels digging into the dirt, you held on tight. Placing a hand on my cheek, you leaned down. Your violet hair enveloped my sight. A moment before, you paused. Eyes on mine, you looked at me, and smiled.

And just like that, you kissed me.

Embraced by a delicacy that must only exist in movies, my heart pounded to the beat of yours.

Nothing was ever the same.

* * *

><p><strong>Hello again...I want to try something. Call it an experimental phase. I want to test out different relationships and the feelings that come with them. What can I say? (This one not so much...) but I've always had a taste for what's "forbidden", well that and character insanitymental break downs. Review if you'd like. Different perspectives are always fun. But if you don't like it, at least tell me why (please?). Until next time.  
><strong>

**Forever yours, **

**Sunset**


	3. Kiyoteru: Wretched

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Vocaloid in any way, shape of form.

_"Never in this lifetime."_

~0o0o0o0o0o0o0o0o~

It's hard to say when I first realized it. I don't know why I'm this way. I don't know how I came to be this way. All I know is that I simply am.

I used to hate myself. In fact, sometimes I still do. For a long time, I tried to ignore them, these wretched desires lying hidden in my heart. I tried to move past them. I tried to erase them. But I've long given up. It was too painful, too hard, too exhausting for me and everyone else involved. It simply wasn't possible.

And so, I've indulged myself – within limits of course. Sometimes, no, a lot of the times, I question this decision on mine. But then I remember that this is the only way I can be happy without ruining someone else first. Sometimes, it's the little things that help us get by in life. And most times, it's these little things that ruin us the most.

* * *

><p>"All right class. Take out last night's homework and set it on your desk. Can I have a volunteer to go around and collect it?"<p>

Like clockwork, a small hand from the back shoots up. Standing half out of her seat, the owner of the raised hand looks at me, desperate, eager to be chosen. In these moments, as those bright amber eyes beg into mine, something inside of me crumbles and I find myself giving in as I do almost every time.

"Miss Kaai, Thank you."

Pouting at the use of her last name, the girl whines, "Mr. Hiyama! Call me Yuki! YU-KI! All of my other teachers call me Yuki…."

Never. Never in this lifetime.

"But I'm not your other teachers, now am I? Now hop to it if you don't want me to have someone else collect the homework."

Paling at my nonexistent threat, Miss Kaai scurries into motion, picking up the worksheets at a frantic pace. Small face drawn in determination, she works with an unnecessary diligence.

Focusing on anything but her, she standing where I least want her to be: in front of me. Holding out the papers, she proudly exclaims, "Here ya go Mr. Hiyama!" And as my fingers accidentally brush hers, a shiver runs down my arms, fierce and violent. Unacceptable.

"Thank you Miss Kaai."

Smiling brightly, eyes glowing radiantly, she skips back to her seat. My gaze lingers for a second too long. But I just can't help myself.

This feeling, it's inexcusable. Disgusting. Terrible. Forbidden. A wretched pedophile. I made a decision a long time ago. _I will never chase after love._ I decided this for your sake, you who I'll eventually love, you who I never hope to ruin. Because this type of love should never be realized. That's why I have to hide it deep in my heart. So that you may never see it.

Please Yuki. Don't let me love you.


End file.
